Kids TeeVee Gone Wrong

Children's television has evolved over the years. Not just through the quality of animation and sound, but also through the visual concepts and messages. Nowadays it is more accessible and is presented by a wide range of different streaming services. Compare this to the times of my childhood, when kids had a selected number of shows playing within two separate time periods (which were before and after school) on the one analogue channel. It's fair to say that the little ones of today are very lucky. There are so many more worlds to explore and the choices are there for them to pick from. However, that's not to say they aren't unlucky as well. In recent times, particular ideas for children's programming have seen both parents and children alike, witness a sort of small deterioration. A sense that 'learning' isn't seen as important as it should be. Certain children's content is heavily criticised for looking less supportive to a child's development and more worried about profits from distinctive visual and aural qualities.

There are shows like Luo Bao Bei, Floogals, Pablo, Sesame Street, The Pajanimals, Play School and Puffin Rock that are incredibly deep in meaning and understand the complex perspectives children can develop at a very young age. You have shows that know what they're aiming for, but do so in a questionable manner like Dirtgirlworld, In The Night Garden and Peg + Cat. Then come the completely terrible programmes that provide barely any educational message nor have children gaining anything of value from them. More of these programmes have either seen the light of day or grown massively in popularity over the past decade than during my childhood years. They're known to often blindly teach kids irrelevant lessons or not teach kids anything at all. I decided to find eight of these preschool shows that I have seen over my years growing up and briefly look at how insanely bad they are (or at least certain aspects of them). This list won't include any I haven't watched, so shows such as Max & Ruby won't be touched on. And I'm not going to bother with ranking them because it's hard to pick which one is worse out of a few. Allow me to begin:

Ugh! Can you possibly get any more irritating than this? The UK is known for being home to some of the more phenomenal classics such as Postman Pat, Thomas The Tank Engine and Bob The Builder (the original stop motion animated series of course) for kids to enjoy and hold close to their heart as they grow older. But there are some like this one that are just simply worth forgetting. Baby Jake was a children's show that lasted for just over a year, which I'd complain was still too long. One could pretty much find a problem in almost every facet of this programme. It's almost as if the creator wanted to slow down the development of toddlers. The short-lasting series takes place in a windmill, home to a large family including ten children with names beginning with the first ten letters of the alphabet. The focus is specifically placed on the relationship between the youngest two in Isaac and Jake. Isaac is shown to have a strong understanding of what Jake is trying to communicate. Unfortunately that is about as good as you can get from this, because everything goes severely downhill from there.

Jake is made out to be (surprise, surprise) a magical baby that goes on adventures. What an incredibly original idea! I'm sure no one could have thought of such a thing. These unimaginative adventures take place in a bland place of nothing but hills with features so trippy, that they would have you thinking you took some sort of psychedelic drug. On top of that, these episodes of shoddy animation are accompanied by grating and ear-piercing narration from a young child. And the songs! My goodness, the songs are absolutely horrible to listen to! They are played in every single episode and are made up mostly of nothing but complete gibberish. From 'Goggi gee-ha' and the infamous song with lyrics such as these:

Yacki Yacki Yoggi, doo doo dee

Baa baa baa beep beep noo see.

Yacki Yacki Yoggi, moo moo moo

That's just what we love to do.

Don't forget the result of such ridiculous animation. The characters (in particular Mr. Nibbles the rabbit with that twisted and stretch mouth) look plain disturbing and something that belong in a nightmare. I have stumbled across this show quite a few times on television in Australia, and never have I ever finished viewing one single episode. To think this cost almost two million pounds to produce. That's practically money gone for nothing good in return. I have nothing against Maddy Darrall for trying to give something of value, but this I'm afraid wasn't it. If or when I have children, I'm keeping them well away from this abomination.

Gee, Britain has made some really weird shows. I remember viewing this one, but I never knew what it was about. I still don't know what it's about and I'm in no way bothered to go and find out the answer. The question that puts it all in a nutshell. What the f***?! Boobah ran from 2003 to 2005 and was just about this magical sphere that floated around to unguarded children. A sphere which was supposedly home to a bunch of chubby, baby-faced things (I don't know what you call them). All they ever did was dance around, squeal and make farting noises. Much like Baby Jake it's another acid trip, but a much creepier one. These creatures were so unsettling to watch, that I was desperately wanting the 'storyworld' part to come around. But even the stories were bizarre. No point going on about this aimless pile of junk. It should be leaving everybody to scratch their head, thinking 'Why?'. If I were to list random things, this would be at the very top. It's the epitome of randomness.

If one were to discuss about terrible kid shows and not mention this one, then they can't be taken seriously. I have certainly come across this one in the past and am not afraid to admit how much it sucks. It's bad, and I mean really bad! For a person at the age I was to pick up on the exact same issues parents had with it, says it all. Caillou is basically about a 4-year-old hairless, spoiled little brat and his experiences with everyday activities from shopping with mum to walking the park. Talk about completely unprecedented! Seems to me that all the flavour of the show comes from the boy himself. If so, that flavour would probably taste really sour, and I don't mean that pleasant sourness from confectionery. Caillou himself is the lowest type of character any kid should follow and learn from. This kid is shown to frequently misbehave and talk in a whiny voice. But that's not the worst part. When things don't go the way of this pain in the arse, he chucks a tantrum. And to make things even worse, his mother and father give in to his demands just about every single time. What a beautiful example of parenting a child? NOT! No point going on about this one because it has pretty much been heard all before. We all know that Caillou is a downright disgrace and we're baffled as to why it's still going around today.

Of course, kids will find anything amusing. Just chuck everything in a blender. Bright colours, silly outfits, gentle narration, made-up words, undignified circus acts and exaggerated facial expressions. What would you get? Hoopla doopla!. While this is probably one of the better shows discussed here, I still look long and hard at it and am left unsure as to what it's providing young impressionable preschoolers. Maybe a laugh and maybe a smile but what else. You'd always be wanting kids to grow and learn from all the things they see and do. This programme does nothing but tell made-up stories using plastic acrobats with fake emotions. There is no caution or danger communicated, given the stunts that are often seen. I guess the series sort of implies some lessons like exercise and proper social behaviours, but they look to be placed on the top shelf and left for kids to reach. By this, I mean they're hard to get at as they aren't clear. I don't think the narrator even helps with this. Finally, the only words to ever come out of these 'almost' silent performers are, you guessed it; Hoopla Doopla! There are some things you just have to question.

Another show about a spoiled little brat, albeit one slightly more tolerable. But still we are to put up with endless demands from the ugliest looking of crooked-teeth girls. I want! I want! I don't want! I don't want!'. Gee I thought Veruca Salt was bad. This little selfish bitch would be a nightmare to babysit. Along with her are a small group of soft, pride-swallowing role players from her powerless parents (the king and queen) to others such as a chef and a gardener, each acting less of an authority figure and more of a child themselves. There are a lot of things about Little Princess that I personally have a problem with. The narration is plain annoying. The princess has no name, leaving me to assume that this particular hierarchy they present to the audience is of some sort of greater unnecessary importance. The accents are unbearable. The animation is downright hideous and once that theme music is in your head, it is a bitch to get out. Once again, this is purely my opinion. If you like the show, I respect that. But for me, Little Princess is one of the more discomforting preschool shows I've encountered.

This one isn't bad like the others. In fact it's rather educational and had grown to be wonderfully detailed in its short running. But why did I put it on here you ask? Well my problem lies from where it began, which was the very first series. It started off as being a bunch of shorts for toddlers where it was nothing but counting with multi-coloured numbats that had numbers 1 to 10 printed on each of their bellies. That's it! The series of shorts were roughly around five minutes long and were just picking a numtum and counting to the number on their tummy. The next thing you know, you're counting to that number... and again... and again. Annoying voices of children are repeating the number constantly, counting to it, and then counting the same number using elephants or stars. Then a song about counting to the number plays. True it was meant for toddlers, and it aimed to solidify the action of counting but there was no proper depth whatsoever. There was no creativity with the numbers. It was just counting.

Heck, Sesame Street isn't that monotonous, as it just counts to whatever number between one and twenty and has a couple of cutaway clips about that particular number of the day. The Numtums however would dedicate an entire episode of repeating the same process with only the first ten numbers and nothing else happening. If I were to count anything, it would be the number of times they're counting. And I guarantee it would be at a number kids who watched the first series wouldn't understand. At least with the following two series, all the Numtums were given both names and personalities, and lived within a beautiful mixture of nature and artificial material. Slightly older viewers were being welcomed as the show became more creative with the numbers. Kids for example were being taught of numerous methods of using numbers through basic problem solving. They had a song about the many different ways to reach ten. They even went beyond the number ten to count up to twenty. Nothing else needs to be said. Series two and three were simply leagues ahead of the first.

The Astley Barker Davies animation company are known for only three series, all of which I've experienced watching bits and pieces of. You have The Big Knights, an extremely short but hilarious tale set in the medieval times about two large knights solving their own reckless mistakes with more clumsiness. Then you've got Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom, a wildly imaginative bunch of stories within a mystical garden where elves and fairies live in harmony, solving big issues and having loads of fun. But here comes the thing that sucks the most. Of the three shows from the company, the good two are stored away in the archives and the worst of them is not only still running but rapidly filling the company's pockets. Peppa Pig, a preschool programme consisting of short superficial stories that mainly centre on the character of the same name and her one-dimensional family. Seriously, what do people see in this one?! Aargh!

I remember this show back when it wasn't as big as it now is. I use to think that it was okay for its simplicity and ease of communication. Now I see that it has gotten out of hand and the problems with it are more visible than ever before. Peppa Pig has now become like a computer virus. It pops up in your feed when you never ask for it, merchandise is sold almost everywhere I look. Millions are live streaming new episodes online on a regular basis. I honestly can't see the fascination with it. It's just a bunch of regularly happy-go-lucky kids in a 'perfect' world performing meaningless activities. Episodes nowadays are usually five minutes long and are made up of nothing but pointless narration, reused sound effects, constant snorting, repetitive ideas, fat-shaming, unfounded knowledge and bratty children. I mean there are episodes where Peppa and her friends make little kids cry. There are episodes where Peppa, George and Mummy Pig are making fun of Daddy Pig's weight. And there's no forgetting the horror that is 'Mr. Skinnylegs', teaching kids to play with spiders. Luckily that one got banned here in Australia, especially since the fact that this country is home to two of the five most venomous spiders in the world. For crying out loud Peppa Pig, do your damn research! No offense to those who enjoy this show (although I can't see how anyone could), but I'd rather have my children watch paint dry.

Yo Gabba Gabba! was edging towards the category of shows with a questionable visual concept that meant well. But unfortunately I discovered the problems with it to be too significant. For some reason I gathered some kind of excessive American aura surrounding the programme. It was like the show wasn't very welcoming to international viewers. Quite strange because it wasn't ever something I took from Sesame Street or Barney & Friends. I guess that's just one of my own issues with Yo Gabba Gabba!. However there are a couple of others that are shared among the majority of people. One of them being the messages. This show came off as trying too hard to be morally correct that it lacked consideration for the consequences that came out of its own lessons. A prime example would be the episode with the 'Party In My Tummy' song. While it taught of both of the importance and fun of eating, it failed to take into account of the need to chew food and not overeat. Some other lessons it tried teaching were ones I found to be rather strange like 'Don't Bite Your Friends'. I mean yes certain children are likely to adopt unusual behaviours, but I'm sure there are hundreds of more important lessons to be taught before this one.

Now for the biggest issue of them all. The visual concept itself. I see it being one of the most random ones I've ever came across. The bright colours, whilst strong in catching a young one's attention, still appeared too nauseating to continue looking at. Quite a few parents have found the show to be overstimulating, baiting kids too hard with visually attractive qualities (e.g. flashing lights) without really having them take much out of the experience. It's loud noises clashing with each other. And there is no escaping the weird-looking characters. They don't look like what they're meant to be. As a matter of fact, I don't know what some of them are even supposed to be. One is said to be a pink flower bubble and another is a blue cat-dragon. The green, hairy, long-armed monster is just something to frequently laugh at. The robot is bossy and irritating. Not to mention that one-eyed Muno creature was what I long believed to look like something I'd poop out after eating a chunky chilli pie. Finally, the DJ Lance guy seems over the top in nearly every way. But I suppose that's what always attracts children. Yo Gabba Gabba! overall is that kind of special that looks to come from LSD.


Travis "TJ" James