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Travis "TJ" James
Thursday 31 October 2019
My First Experience In A Courtroom
NOTE: Under section 78 of the Juries Act 2000 (Victoria), it is strictly forbidden for me or any persons regardless of whether or not selected for the jury process to share or disclose any information regarding a specific court case. Any breach of this can result in a serious penalty which can include a fine of $15,000+ (AUD) or up to five years imprisonment. Any questions regarding the court case I was assigned to, will be immediately ignored. This piece purely focuses on my experience in the County Court of Victoria, and mine alone.
I'm sure all of us who experience this think the same way. It is the one raffle we wish we never win. I speak of course about jury duty. When we are randomly selected from the state electoral roll and forced to attend a mandatory process where the fate of any accused person potentially ends up in our hands. Something as serious as this can really pile on the pressure, leaving us wishing to never be chosen. Sadly, I wasn't so fortunate. Arriving at my house on June 28 would be the much deplored letter from Juries Victoria, stating that I was to fill out an eligibility form and prepare for any summons within a four month period. My mother like she does with most news that comes her way, overdramatised this and made it sound so terrible and life-threatening. Her words being something amongst the lines of 'you're in trouble'. Knowing my mother, I shouldn't have panicked as much as I did. But after reading further details, I was only left to accept it for what it was. I did not want to get involved with this, but I knew that I had no choice.
For many weeks following my completion of the form, it was nothing more than a waiting game. At times I was wanting to believe in the possibility that I wouldn't receive the call to enter that all-too-familiar building on William Street. But reality always stepped in to remind me that such possibilities don't exist. All I was left hoping for was some notice. I felt myself needing a lot of time to relieve my tensions and prepare for my first business trip to Melbourne City in many years. Despite the need to inform the managers of my workplace about the news during my casual position as a sales assistant and warehouse supervisor (My First Experience As A Worker), we were all somewhat hoping we wouldn't have had to deal with the situation. Thankfully, luck was on my side for once and we all dodged that bullet. However, still not knowing when I was to take the next step, had led me to being hesitant in chasing for further employment at the time. Perhaps it could've indeed a bad decision, as things would very likely not get any easier job-wise for somebody such as myself moving forward. But I still cared too much for my physical and mental health, regardless of whether or not my attention was excessive.
Eventually I received the date of my summons, which was October 2. I was given a reasonable amount of time to get everything together and put myself back into a proper routine for the day. Like most important trips I make, there was a lot of focus placed on the amount of time I would give myself to find the Court, especially since it was in a part of the CBD I never visited much during my recreational trips. More importantly, I had to ensure there was extra time available so I could locate the specific rooms within the Court where the potential Jurors were to be. And it was a bloody good thing I did. For almost a good ten minutes, I was walking up and down the first and second floors of the building not knowing where I was to go. It also took me a bit of time to find somebody and ask for directions, since I was shy and lacking the ability to speak up (even when I knew I needed to). When having found out the location, I was pretty embarrassed. The doorway to the waiting room was right next to the security screening area, which for a while was hidden from my view. If only I was more observant of my surroundings. Instead I was looking like John Travolta in that scene from Pulp Fiction.
Entering the area, I was welcomed to a long line of people waiting for their forms to be verified at the reception desk. The wait and process were surprisingly quick, though my heart did race for a bit whilst dealing with the staff. I was needing to convince them that all my details were correct at the time of filling out the form and that any new details (in particular my short-lasting job as a warehouse worker) came about later on. In the end, it was just me putting pressure on myself and overplaying the seriousness of the summons since the staff member trusted me quite comfortably. Not long after when everybody had arrived and was seated, us elected subjects were given a series of informative video clips about both Australia's standard courtrooms and the jury process. I personally found them to be very intriguing, especially one of them which helped me understand the many differences between Australia's courtroom set-up and those commonly shown by American film and television.
For much of the day, it was all about us keeping ourselves amused until the selection process came around. With many of us not knowing each other, we were spread out across two rooms and supplied with many activities and resources such as magazines and newspapers to help pass the time away. Sitting in the opposing room to me was even a pool table, though I never really gave myself the chance to use it. I instead decided to pull out my book of word-searches, especially because I had to save the battery power on my phone after forgetting to bring the charge cable with me. Also supplied were some light snacks and other ingredients for guests to make coffee. I decided on nothing but a small hot chocolate. Despite the few delays with the selections and the staff even having to repeat one, the day went fairly quick. Before I know it, we were all given an hour's break to get lunch. In this time, I instead chose to skip food and spend time walking around the area. And a good decision it was with there not being a lot of eateries in the area. The few food spots were completely packed at the time. When it came to exploring the streets, I knew not to go too far in case I got lost. To avoid trouble, I returned to the waiting room early.
There was only one other court case needing for jurors. I wasn't the least bit surprised when my number was drawn out considering there were very few left in the waiting rooms after others had left before the lunch break. When entering the courtrooms, I was amazed at how small it was. Judging from the room temperature and the lack of external noise, one could easily tell the room was heavily insulated. Traditional styled courtroom furniture was accompanied by modern look of white plastered walls and plum red carpets. Notwithstanding the small sense of coziness I gathered from the place, the atmosphere was still that of a serious one. Us subjects who were selected were told of the formalities we had to carry out when the hearing began. We were reminded of the very strict rules and regulations which went as far as us not even being allowed water. The magistrate and other important members of the counsel all uniformly dressed in black robes and wigs, further displayed such formal approaches whilst acknowledging their allegiance to either British or historical court practices.
Following a brief overview of the case in discussion and a clinical understanding of the defendant's pleas, the judge then proceeded with the same approach of drawing names which first got me into the room. Only this time it was for the formation of the twelve-person Jury panel. Highlighted were only the assigned numbers and the occupations of the selected people. Here I was not called out, which saw my time in the courtroom quickly come to an end. I felt a small sense of relief after having learnt of how lengthy the process of reaching a verdict was. I too still felt somewhat uncomfortable in playing any role in determining a person's fate. And despite not requiring any specific knowledge or needing any understanding of legal terminology, I still felt I lacked the necessary qualities to demonstrate the right approach. But I too had to remind myself that this couldn't remain an excuse, considering there was every chance I could be recalled in the future.
I finally returned to the waiting room, only to hear the satisfying news that my day was done. That was unless of course I chose to attend again in the later weeks. It shouldn't surprise anybody that I immediately said no to this. I just didn't feel prepared for such a significant role. I got to walk away with forty dollars and two years immunity from being selected again. However, I don't think I will ever not feel unsettled about all of this. I overheard one of the people there mentioning how they were selected for the sixth time. It does indeed scare me a little. All I'm left to do is cross my fingers and hope I don't get selected anytime soon after my two-year exemption is up. My advice to people (especially my fellow Australians) is simple. If or whenever you receive your first notice for jury duty, treat it as an opportunity to explore the ways of the world. Embrace the reality of such happenings and turn it into knowledge for yourself. That is exactly what I did. I'm not saying you have to like it, because I surely don't. But a small taste of something different and new like this in your life, can in ways help you to get a further understanding of yourself and the way you see the world.
Travis "TJ" James
I'm sure all of us who experience this think the same way. It is the one raffle we wish we never win. I speak of course about jury duty. When we are randomly selected from the state electoral roll and forced to attend a mandatory process where the fate of any accused person potentially ends up in our hands. Something as serious as this can really pile on the pressure, leaving us wishing to never be chosen. Sadly, I wasn't so fortunate. Arriving at my house on June 28 would be the much deplored letter from Juries Victoria, stating that I was to fill out an eligibility form and prepare for any summons within a four month period. My mother like she does with most news that comes her way, overdramatised this and made it sound so terrible and life-threatening. Her words being something amongst the lines of 'you're in trouble'. Knowing my mother, I shouldn't have panicked as much as I did. But after reading further details, I was only left to accept it for what it was. I did not want to get involved with this, but I knew that I had no choice.
For many weeks following my completion of the form, it was nothing more than a waiting game. At times I was wanting to believe in the possibility that I wouldn't receive the call to enter that all-too-familiar building on William Street. But reality always stepped in to remind me that such possibilities don't exist. All I was left hoping for was some notice. I felt myself needing a lot of time to relieve my tensions and prepare for my first business trip to Melbourne City in many years. Despite the need to inform the managers of my workplace about the news during my casual position as a sales assistant and warehouse supervisor (My First Experience As A Worker), we were all somewhat hoping we wouldn't have had to deal with the situation. Thankfully, luck was on my side for once and we all dodged that bullet. However, still not knowing when I was to take the next step, had led me to being hesitant in chasing for further employment at the time. Perhaps it could've indeed a bad decision, as things would very likely not get any easier job-wise for somebody such as myself moving forward. But I still cared too much for my physical and mental health, regardless of whether or not my attention was excessive.
Eventually I received the date of my summons, which was October 2. I was given a reasonable amount of time to get everything together and put myself back into a proper routine for the day. Like most important trips I make, there was a lot of focus placed on the amount of time I would give myself to find the Court, especially since it was in a part of the CBD I never visited much during my recreational trips. More importantly, I had to ensure there was extra time available so I could locate the specific rooms within the Court where the potential Jurors were to be. And it was a bloody good thing I did. For almost a good ten minutes, I was walking up and down the first and second floors of the building not knowing where I was to go. It also took me a bit of time to find somebody and ask for directions, since I was shy and lacking the ability to speak up (even when I knew I needed to). When having found out the location, I was pretty embarrassed. The doorway to the waiting room was right next to the security screening area, which for a while was hidden from my view. If only I was more observant of my surroundings. Instead I was looking like John Travolta in that scene from Pulp Fiction.
Entering the area, I was welcomed to a long line of people waiting for their forms to be verified at the reception desk. The wait and process were surprisingly quick, though my heart did race for a bit whilst dealing with the staff. I was needing to convince them that all my details were correct at the time of filling out the form and that any new details (in particular my short-lasting job as a warehouse worker) came about later on. In the end, it was just me putting pressure on myself and overplaying the seriousness of the summons since the staff member trusted me quite comfortably. Not long after when everybody had arrived and was seated, us elected subjects were given a series of informative video clips about both Australia's standard courtrooms and the jury process. I personally found them to be very intriguing, especially one of them which helped me understand the many differences between Australia's courtroom set-up and those commonly shown by American film and television.
For much of the day, it was all about us keeping ourselves amused until the selection process came around. With many of us not knowing each other, we were spread out across two rooms and supplied with many activities and resources such as magazines and newspapers to help pass the time away. Sitting in the opposing room to me was even a pool table, though I never really gave myself the chance to use it. I instead decided to pull out my book of word-searches, especially because I had to save the battery power on my phone after forgetting to bring the charge cable with me. Also supplied were some light snacks and other ingredients for guests to make coffee. I decided on nothing but a small hot chocolate. Despite the few delays with the selections and the staff even having to repeat one, the day went fairly quick. Before I know it, we were all given an hour's break to get lunch. In this time, I instead chose to skip food and spend time walking around the area. And a good decision it was with there not being a lot of eateries in the area. The few food spots were completely packed at the time. When it came to exploring the streets, I knew not to go too far in case I got lost. To avoid trouble, I returned to the waiting room early.
There was only one other court case needing for jurors. I wasn't the least bit surprised when my number was drawn out considering there were very few left in the waiting rooms after others had left before the lunch break. When entering the courtrooms, I was amazed at how small it was. Judging from the room temperature and the lack of external noise, one could easily tell the room was heavily insulated. Traditional styled courtroom furniture was accompanied by modern look of white plastered walls and plum red carpets. Notwithstanding the small sense of coziness I gathered from the place, the atmosphere was still that of a serious one. Us subjects who were selected were told of the formalities we had to carry out when the hearing began. We were reminded of the very strict rules and regulations which went as far as us not even being allowed water. The magistrate and other important members of the counsel all uniformly dressed in black robes and wigs, further displayed such formal approaches whilst acknowledging their allegiance to either British or historical court practices.
Following a brief overview of the case in discussion and a clinical understanding of the defendant's pleas, the judge then proceeded with the same approach of drawing names which first got me into the room. Only this time it was for the formation of the twelve-person Jury panel. Highlighted were only the assigned numbers and the occupations of the selected people. Here I was not called out, which saw my time in the courtroom quickly come to an end. I felt a small sense of relief after having learnt of how lengthy the process of reaching a verdict was. I too still felt somewhat uncomfortable in playing any role in determining a person's fate. And despite not requiring any specific knowledge or needing any understanding of legal terminology, I still felt I lacked the necessary qualities to demonstrate the right approach. But I too had to remind myself that this couldn't remain an excuse, considering there was every chance I could be recalled in the future.
I finally returned to the waiting room, only to hear the satisfying news that my day was done. That was unless of course I chose to attend again in the later weeks. It shouldn't surprise anybody that I immediately said no to this. I just didn't feel prepared for such a significant role. I got to walk away with forty dollars and two years immunity from being selected again. However, I don't think I will ever not feel unsettled about all of this. I overheard one of the people there mentioning how they were selected for the sixth time. It does indeed scare me a little. All I'm left to do is cross my fingers and hope I don't get selected anytime soon after my two-year exemption is up. My advice to people (especially my fellow Australians) is simple. If or whenever you receive your first notice for jury duty, treat it as an opportunity to explore the ways of the world. Embrace the reality of such happenings and turn it into knowledge for yourself. That is exactly what I did. I'm not saying you have to like it, because I surely don't. But a small taste of something different and new like this in your life, can in ways help you to get a further understanding of yourself and the way you see the world.
Travis "TJ" James
Beyond
It was November last year, when I published a piece titled 'Unforeseeable'. A piece which explored humankind's limits in certain knowledge surrounding existence. That certain knowledge was 'time' I discussed, in particular the future. How there was no telling the possibilities that await us. How there was no such thing as a prediction of inevitability. How good and bad happenings were equal and depended greatly on our methods in living. One thing I didn't shine much of a light on however, was the other half. The half that isn't time. I'm sure you know very well what I'm referring to. When time isn't involved, we are living in the present. The very brief moments that are now when our knowledge is at its peak, but still far from where we wish for it to be as the world and beyond still holds its mysteries. The people we are yet to know and the places we are yet to see. Even life and existence outside of Earth. Time is not the only thing that remains unclear.
Space! The dimensions that surround existence. The infinite and ever-expanding room for life to live and move. An ultimate provider of freedom and difference. A vital element of everything and there's nothing without it. Space amazes us with its vast size, but too leaves us curious. Because of how immeasurable it is, it holds countless possibilities like time. It leaves our work forever incomplete, but always brings about something new and exciting. Not one of us can answer for all of its secrets. Not even 7.7 billion of us together living on the planet. And it does not matter how intelligent we are or how intelligent we become. To this day, much space within our reach is still unknown. Some of it hasn't even been touched, leaving doors open to new discoveries. Discoveries dark, intriguing or potentially life-changing. On top of all this, there's the light years of untouched space surrounding Earth. Space for the most inquisitive of minds to learn heaps about.
The knowledge of space can go as far as being personal. Despite the numerous ways in which something is proven to exist, a few of us are not satisfied unless we view it for ourselves. It's sort of a step towards stuff not being real unless seen by nothing but the naked eye. Cut short, it's the 'seeing is believing' approach to life. When it comes to how silly it can sound, I can't disagree. But at the same time, I can't fault those who do go about this approach. How I see it, these people are merely putting existence to the test. It's the scientists coming out of them, demonstrating the tough questions and wanting to make sure everything around them makes sense. If that isn't enough, then there's supposedly the best thing to come out of this. Such an approach gives those who follow it a fantastic purpose. To travel the world and see what it has to offer. Personal exploration and discovery of space like any other interest, comes from hard work and perseverance. And it's an interest commonly considered to be very valuable for many reasons including money and distance covered during travel.
The knowledge of space can go as far as being personal. Despite the numerous ways in which something is proven to exist, a few of us are not satisfied unless we view it for ourselves. It's sort of a step towards stuff not being real unless seen by nothing but the naked eye. Cut short, it's the 'seeing is believing' approach to life. When it comes to how silly it can sound, I can't disagree. But at the same time, I can't fault those who do go about this approach. How I see it, these people are merely putting existence to the test. It's the scientists coming out of them, demonstrating the tough questions and wanting to make sure everything around them makes sense. If that isn't enough, then there's supposedly the best thing to come out of this. Such an approach gives those who follow it a fantastic purpose. To travel the world and see what it has to offer. Personal exploration and discovery of space like any other interest, comes from hard work and perseverance. And it's an interest commonly considered to be very valuable for many reasons including money and distance covered during travel.
Of course, certain people can take their own lack of space knowledge to extremes. Some with little knowledge and no involvement in the events around them, may develop what will be considered by many as a sense of paranoia. It can start from as early as school, when students can feel they are coming off wrong to classmates. They might feel they've done something to discomfort a few kids. They might worry about the possibilities of being talked about negatively by others. All are notions that have crossed my mind at least once so far. It doesn't have to stop at school either. The unknowns to anybody regarding space can easily lead to the talk of conspiracies moving forward. Conspiracies as we all know, are supposed plans and other ideas utilised by small groups with the intention of causing harm for outsiders. Believers of these are often left feeling somewhat insecure. It can be as simple as one thinking they're being kept in the dark when it comes to important information. Or it can go to extreme lengths, with one fearing that something or someone is out to get them.
There are dozens of conspiracies and other talks stemming from little space knowledge that are commonly shared between everyday people. A few of them look into the possible secrets hidden within the lands us humans rarely get to visit. Many videos on the internet, share both tales and true stories of happenings inside the darkest and most isolated of places on the map. One conspiracy I'm sure we're all familiar with around the world, is the one regarding Area 51. Area 51 is the given name to a secret government-ran base hidden within the ranges of Nevada USA. It is said to be the home for testing new air force technology. In spite of what is known about the heavily fortified base, millions of people still carry suspicions about it. Given the location and intense security, it is commonly believed Area 51 is also home to huge scientific discoveries. Discoveries that could potentially change the way life is seen by most. They go as far as super advanced technology to the possible existence of extraterrestrial intelligence.
What can be seen as even scarier, is how us humans as a collective are creating a vast space of our own. One with plenty unknown areas within itself. I speak of course about computers and the internet. What is designed as a means to connect with people around the world and help gain further knowledge, is fast becoming the universe within a universe. The internet reflects our reality. It holds its populated cities (e.g. Facebook, Google, Wikipedia, Youtube, etc.) and remote locations. It shares its famous celebrities (e.g. Mark Zuckerberg, PewdiePie, etc.) and total strangers. It is both law-abiding and law-breaking. We are finding our lives more than ever influenced by the space of man-made computer networks. But while our reality is now in sync with the internet, so too are the dangers. There's the mysteries and parasites of the dark web. There's the unpredictable people and potential criminals behind false accounts. Most importantly, it has become the new life support of computer hacking and malware.
There are dozens of conspiracies and other talks stemming from little space knowledge that are commonly shared between everyday people. A few of them look into the possible secrets hidden within the lands us humans rarely get to visit. Many videos on the internet, share both tales and true stories of happenings inside the darkest and most isolated of places on the map. One conspiracy I'm sure we're all familiar with around the world, is the one regarding Area 51. Area 51 is the given name to a secret government-ran base hidden within the ranges of Nevada USA. It is said to be the home for testing new air force technology. In spite of what is known about the heavily fortified base, millions of people still carry suspicions about it. Given the location and intense security, it is commonly believed Area 51 is also home to huge scientific discoveries. Discoveries that could potentially change the way life is seen by most. They go as far as super advanced technology to the possible existence of extraterrestrial intelligence.
What can be seen as even scarier, is how us humans as a collective are creating a vast space of our own. One with plenty unknown areas within itself. I speak of course about computers and the internet. What is designed as a means to connect with people around the world and help gain further knowledge, is fast becoming the universe within a universe. The internet reflects our reality. It holds its populated cities (e.g. Facebook, Google, Wikipedia, Youtube, etc.) and remote locations. It shares its famous celebrities (e.g. Mark Zuckerberg, PewdiePie, etc.) and total strangers. It is both law-abiding and law-breaking. We are finding our lives more than ever influenced by the space of man-made computer networks. But while our reality is now in sync with the internet, so too are the dangers. There's the mysteries and parasites of the dark web. There's the unpredictable people and potential criminals behind false accounts. Most importantly, it has become the new life support of computer hacking and malware.
A good old friend of mine from the school days once said that nobody can be certain about anything. That perfect knowledge is impossible to reach. Having not yet opened my mind to such fascinating topics for discussion, I just took their word for it then. As of now, I couldn't agree more. Human understanding can be funny sometimes. While it seems some answers are made to appear precise by us, they never actually are. There always hides that very tiny chance of information we have long seen as being correct, containing several mistakes. There always is that tiny bit of room given to the brightest and most driven of us, for achieving greater accuracy in knowledge. We as one massive family are forever trying to compete with each other here. But little do we see how great this is. While most today will challenge understanding to make a name for themselves, any success will see humanity aided at least a small fraction. It's making sure discoveries remain both solid and as close to 100% as possible. It's a chase for greater awareness and a push for better lives.
Despite its hidden spots and unsettling shadows, space brings about the passion of exploration in plenty. A passion that gives birth to a number of other passions. It also encourages us to increase our awareness through both protection and proper quests for the truth. The knowledge and experience gained from space travel defines character with finer detail. Although it is a frighteningly large task due to the size of space, exploration is the supplier of all things wonderful about existence. The visual beauty of space before one's eyes. The harmony man and nature has created. The many sensations within different cultures. The new and unfamiliar foods. The intriguing history behind the current structures of societies. A charming positive if you ask me. If life held no mysteries for anybody, there is every chance life would be nothing short of boring. The fact there is always something new to learn, keeps us moving everyday.
You will keep telling yourself what I'm discussing here doesn't matter. But I reckon there are many days when you demonstrate this. How so? Well ask yourself this question. Do you ever sit and briefly wonder to yourself what is taking place elsewhere? By this, I mean the whereabouts of other people as well as what they are doing while you think about them. I'm not afraid to admit that this is something I do nearly all of the time. Why is that? Excluding the fact that I like everybody else am not omnipresent, I personally have little to no experience in exploration. I know very few people and have visited very few places. Because of this, I just hunger for a greater glimpse into how other people use their gifts. I'm wanting to know how they see living. I'm profoundly interested in the diversity of existence. Right now, it feels as if the world is still a stranger to me at 23 (my age at the time of typing this). But that's just it I suppose. I still have plenty of time ahead of me at 23, which means plenty of time to seek these answers.
Space although being everything time isn't, shares some significant similarities. It's one of the two cogs of existence. An insanely large box full of never-ending conundrums. Conundrums that spark curiosity and evoke a wide range of emotions between us all. We can fear the giant it is and we can fear the enigma it is. But whether it's general or personal, knowing there is more about life to be found makes life itself all the more sweeter. The secrets of space inspire thousands of us into making history, leaving our mark and prolonging memories. Long story short, it fulfills lives. I for years, have had my moments of great uncertainty. I have not figured out what it is I should do. But the one thing that has never changed is my desire to explore different paths, take on fresh obstacles and meet new friendly faces. As a matter of fact, this is nearly everybody's desire. To look beyond, to go beyond and to know beyond!
Travis "TJ" James
Despite its hidden spots and unsettling shadows, space brings about the passion of exploration in plenty. A passion that gives birth to a number of other passions. It also encourages us to increase our awareness through both protection and proper quests for the truth. The knowledge and experience gained from space travel defines character with finer detail. Although it is a frighteningly large task due to the size of space, exploration is the supplier of all things wonderful about existence. The visual beauty of space before one's eyes. The harmony man and nature has created. The many sensations within different cultures. The new and unfamiliar foods. The intriguing history behind the current structures of societies. A charming positive if you ask me. If life held no mysteries for anybody, there is every chance life would be nothing short of boring. The fact there is always something new to learn, keeps us moving everyday.
You will keep telling yourself what I'm discussing here doesn't matter. But I reckon there are many days when you demonstrate this. How so? Well ask yourself this question. Do you ever sit and briefly wonder to yourself what is taking place elsewhere? By this, I mean the whereabouts of other people as well as what they are doing while you think about them. I'm not afraid to admit that this is something I do nearly all of the time. Why is that? Excluding the fact that I like everybody else am not omnipresent, I personally have little to no experience in exploration. I know very few people and have visited very few places. Because of this, I just hunger for a greater glimpse into how other people use their gifts. I'm wanting to know how they see living. I'm profoundly interested in the diversity of existence. Right now, it feels as if the world is still a stranger to me at 23 (my age at the time of typing this). But that's just it I suppose. I still have plenty of time ahead of me at 23, which means plenty of time to seek these answers.
Space although being everything time isn't, shares some significant similarities. It's one of the two cogs of existence. An insanely large box full of never-ending conundrums. Conundrums that spark curiosity and evoke a wide range of emotions between us all. We can fear the giant it is and we can fear the enigma it is. But whether it's general or personal, knowing there is more about life to be found makes life itself all the more sweeter. The secrets of space inspire thousands of us into making history, leaving our mark and prolonging memories. Long story short, it fulfills lives. I for years, have had my moments of great uncertainty. I have not figured out what it is I should do. But the one thing that has never changed is my desire to explore different paths, take on fresh obstacles and meet new friendly faces. As a matter of fact, this is nearly everybody's desire. To look beyond, to go beyond and to know beyond!
Travis "TJ" James
Friday 25 October 2019
That Long And Winding Road
Whenever you find a comment of mine under somebody's post on such social media platforms like Instagram, it is always going to be one oozing of politeness or praise. Why am I highlighting this you ask? Well think of my comments like make-up. Women obviously wear make-up to look prettier, but anyone could do so to hide something unpleasant such as a scar. Make-up leaves observers liking what they see, as the wearer too feels better about themselves. My comments are exactly that. They are what you like to see and what I like to give. I must also add that they are completely true and I mean every single character that is published. Whenever I share my thoughts openly, it is me in awe of either the visual wonder, the effort put into the work or both. But underneath these positive words hides the darkest of my secrets. A secret of self-reflection that leaves me to contemplate the things that haunt me day and night. It's a large part of who I am at the moment and it's something I absolutely loathe about myself.
A message of love and reverence for any person along with their business is what it is. But there's every chance those of mine you come across will carry some undertones. These undertones often refer back to me. They mostly represent my dissatisfaction. Whenever I see something I adore, I naturally consider it as something greater. Something far more advanced compared to what I do. Sort of like the next level up. As a result, I'm left unsatisfied with my efforts. I'm left believing what I do is not enough. Wanting to taste my ultimate happiness, I'm encouraged to push harder and get better out of myself. I want to upgrade and share better material. Not to mention I want to expand my brand and feel both interesting and new all the time. Perhaps that's a very small aspect I can tolerate, but the entire approach still seems very negative. It's as if one of my finest qualities is burdened by the ball and chain. The respect for others and the unwanted shame with myself go hand in hand.
A message of love and reverence for any person along with their business is what it is. But there's every chance those of mine you come across will carry some undertones. These undertones often refer back to me. They mostly represent my dissatisfaction. Whenever I see something I adore, I naturally consider it as something greater. Something far more advanced compared to what I do. Sort of like the next level up. As a result, I'm left unsatisfied with my efforts. I'm left believing what I do is not enough. Wanting to taste my ultimate happiness, I'm encouraged to push harder and get better out of myself. I want to upgrade and share better material. Not to mention I want to expand my brand and feel both interesting and new all the time. Perhaps that's a very small aspect I can tolerate, but the entire approach still seems very negative. It's as if one of my finest qualities is burdened by the ball and chain. The respect for others and the unwanted shame with myself go hand in hand.
You could consider it envy. The work from others that amazes me, often has me wishing I were in their position. It has me wishing I shared their abilities. Whether it be community work, cosplay, drawing, photography or simply the freedom and good times with close friends, I see it all as a mouse in a cage. The open lives many live with creative minds and endless breathing space, become my hopes and dreams. I see their joy and feel their passion. All of a sudden, jealousy strikes and I want to be them. It's not so much me wanting to copy or become exactly like them, but rather get a small taste of their world. Sort of like walking in their shoes for a day. Utilising the talents, carrying the knowledge, embracing the fortunes, experiencing the happiness, etc. Much of the stuff others do also happens be on my bucket list, and it's stuff many would see as not being that extreme or significant. But I suppose that depends on the individual, as I personally can see the joy they would bring to me. And given where I'm currently positioned, these dreams of mine are fairly high bars to reach.
Knowing I'm not in the position to live my dreams, hurts to the point where I begin to question my worth. Is what I'm doing now, good enough to receive praise? Do I have what it takes to earn the respect of people around me? Do those who currently respect me really mean it, or are they just trying to put a cheap smile on my face? All are questions that regularly cross my mind. I take one look at my social media profiles along with the work I consider my best, and I see very few people being having discovered it. I see it doing as well as the other stuff of mine I don't rate so highly. Because of this, I'm wondering whether both my vision and work are too flawed. I'm wondering whether I'm to review and reshape my perception of artistry. It is not about me being popular, but rather me being meaningful. Am I meaningful enough, or am I just another face on the net? Is another face on the net all I can ever be?
Just about everybody knows it takes hard work and persistence to achieve goals. Those who have achieved theirs will tell you the same thing. I am well aware that it is no different for me and there will come a point in time when I will be doing all that I can to make my accomplishments real. So why the hesitance? You'd be quick in jumping to the reason of me fearing failure, which I wouldn't blame you for doing so. However, it is numerous things that see me worried. There are times when I'm left not knowing where to start. There are other times when I worry the journey will take too long. And it's not just the fear of failure, but the fear of success as well. As a matter of fact, I stress the most about this. If I were to reach any intended goal, I'd hate to be questioning the quality of the reward. I'd hate to be asking myself whether my climb to the top was worth the time spent. Because of how precious I see life and existence to be, the idea of my hard work being for little or nothing in return scares me to bits. It most likely won't be the case, but it simply being a possibility is enough to hold me back a little.
There too are external factors of great concern to me. The first of them is the increasingly difficult task of trying to make a living in a country with many economical problems. Jobs are becoming scarce and the Australian dollar (especially when put up against the U.S. dollar) is losing its value. The second regards my family and their thoughts on certain things. Despite their words being in sync with mine about freedom of choice, they have now and then raised opposing views after freedom of choice has been demonstrated (e.g. me purchasing products online). Communities around my area don't feel to be quite as friendly compared to most others and the state government seem to have some absurd restrictions placed on us. Perhaps I am wrong here, but it does seem like the harmless things I desire are being taken away from me. The walls are closing in as diverse minds and personalities in my beautiful country of Australia for some unknown reason are slightly frowned upon.
Having now learnt this, you may look at me a little different. You may find me a tad unattractive. I won't blame you for going this direction. Nobody likes a misery guts and nor should they. But believe me, I do hate this part of myself. I try my best looking for ways past the jealousy and self-doubt. I try my best delivering what I can that both represents what I want to stand for and separates me enough from the crowd. I want to be associated with a friendly personality. One that you can interact with at any time. One that will not speak a word of discomfort or displeasure. One that sees your work and acknowledges it in respectable fashion. Most importantly, I want to ensure you're approaching the right man. That man being someone who will immediately welcome you with open arms and will reciprocate the love and affection you give. My work is for you to enjoy and treasure after all. I'd understand if you choose to give me the cold shoulder, but just remember I see pessimism the same way.
Then again, this dark secret of mine hides from your view and very rarely do I touch upon it. I guess it's because I do get my priorities right now and then. Something I can be proud of. I am an artist who wishes to display themselves in ways never seen before. I want to be unique through a little bit of everything. I love visual beauty. I love immense passion. I love the work of others and will go as far as twisting it to make it something brand new. I'm here to prove within my limits that imagination is limitless. When I do the things I do here, I'm always thinking of you. I'm wanting to impress and provide to you a variety of different content that supports all of mind, soul, body and spirit. And it is fair to say I have impressed a few. I have even went on to inspire one or two of them. Since that is all I'm ever wanting, I do pat myself on the back occasionally. I'm even proud with some of my efforts so far. Suppose it tells me the light forever remains at the end of the tunnel.
But as already confirmed by me here, my journey is not yet finished. I could argue that it hasn't even started. Like those I have influenced, I too have my influences. I've explored countless places throughout the internet, only to find several people who would unwittingly solidify some of my goals and leave me striving to meet them with success. Sure I have my doubts, but they don't need to know that. All that should matter to them is that I'm a great admirer of their journeys and will always throw my support towards them, regardless of its effect. If you're reading this, there is always a chance one of my influences could be you. If ever you come across a nice message from me, don't assume it isn't true. Don't assume it's me hating myself or seeking your approval. Instead, be flattered that I find you to be superior in some ways. Be flattered that you drive me to reach similar heights. You have achieved something quite powerful. Something I hope to achieve as well. It's a form of glory bound to make life so much easier for all.
Travis "TJ" James
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