That Long And Winding Road

Whenever you find a comment of mine under somebody's post on such social media platforms like Instagram, it is always going to be one oozing of politeness or praise. Why am I highlighting this you ask? Well think of my comments like make-up. Women obviously wear make-up to look prettier, but anyone could do so to hide something unpleasant such as a scar. Make-up leaves observers liking what they see, as the wearer too feels better about themselves. My comments are exactly that. They are what you like to see and what I like to give. I must also add that they are completely true and I mean every single character that is published. Whenever I share my thoughts openly, it is me in awe of either the visual wonder, the effort put into the work or both. But underneath these positive words hides the darkest of my secrets. A secret of self-reflection that leaves me to contemplate the things that haunt me day and night. It's a large part of who I am at the moment and it's something I absolutely loathe about myself.

A message of love and reverence for any person along with their business is what it is. But there's every chance those of mine you come across will carry some undertones. These undertones often refer back to me. They mostly represent my dissatisfaction. Whenever I see something I adore, I naturally consider it as something greater. Something far more advanced compared to what I do. Sort of like the next level up. As a result, I'm left unsatisfied with my efforts. I'm left believing what I do is not enough. Wanting to taste my ultimate happiness, I'm encouraged to push harder and get better out of myself. I want to upgrade and share better material. Not to mention I want to expand my brand and feel both interesting and new all the time. Perhaps that's a very small aspect I can tolerate, but the entire approach still seems very negative. It's as if one of my finest qualities is burdened by the ball and chain. The respect for others and the unwanted shame with myself go hand in hand.

You could consider it envy. The work from others that amazes me, often has me wishing I were in their position. It has me wishing I shared their abilities. Whether it be community work, cosplay, drawing, photography or simply the freedom and good times with close friends, I see it all as a mouse in a cage. The open lives many live with creative minds and endless breathing space, become my hopes and dreams. I see their joy and feel their passion. All of a sudden, jealousy strikes and I want to be them. It's not so much me wanting to copy or become exactly like them, but rather get a small taste of their world. Sort of like walking in their shoes for a day. Utilising the talents, carrying the knowledge, embracing the fortunes, experiencing the happiness, etc. Much of the stuff others do also happens be on my bucket list, and it's stuff many would see as not being that extreme or significant. But I suppose that depends on the individual, as I personally can see the joy they would bring to me. And given where I'm currently positioned, these dreams of mine are fairly high bars to reach.

Knowing I'm not in the position to live my dreams, hurts to the point where I begin to question my worth. Is what I'm doing now, good enough to receive praise? Do I have what it takes to earn the respect of people around me? Do those who currently respect me really mean it, or are they just trying to put a cheap smile on my face? All are questions that regularly cross my mind. I take one look at my social media profiles along with the work I consider my best, and I see very few people being having discovered it. I see it doing as well as the other stuff of mine I don't rate so highly. Because of this, I'm wondering whether both my vision and work are too flawed. I'm wondering whether I'm to review and reshape my perception of artistry. It is not about me being popular, but rather me being meaningful. Am I meaningful enough, or am I just another face on the net? Is another face on the net all I can ever be?

Just about everybody knows it takes hard work and persistence to achieve goals. Those who have achieved theirs will tell you the same thing. I am well aware that it is no different for me and there will come a point in time when I will be doing all that I can to make my accomplishments real. So why the hesitance? You'd be quick in jumping to the reason of me fearing failure, which I wouldn't blame you for doing so. However, it is numerous things that see me worried. There are times when I'm left not knowing where to start. There are other times when I worry the journey will take too long. And it's not just the fear of failure, but the fear of success as well. As a matter of fact, I stress the most about this. If I were to reach any intended goal, I'd hate to be questioning the quality of the reward. I'd hate to be asking myself whether my climb to the top was worth the time spent. Because of how precious I see life and existence to be, the idea of my hard work being for little or nothing in return scares me to bits. It most likely won't be the case, but it simply being a possibility is enough to hold me back a little.

There too are external factors of great concern to me. The first of them is the increasingly difficult task of trying to make a living in a country with many economical problems. Jobs are becoming scarce and the Australian dollar (especially when put up against the U.S. dollar) is losing its value. The second regards my family and their thoughts on certain things. Despite their words being in sync with mine about freedom of choice, they have now and then raised opposing views after freedom of choice has been demonstrated (e.g. me purchasing products online). Communities around my area don't feel to be quite as friendly compared to most others and the state government seem to have some absurd restrictions placed on us. Perhaps I am wrong here, but it does seem like the harmless things I desire are being taken away from me. The walls are closing in as diverse minds and personalities in my beautiful country of Australia for some unknown reason are slightly frowned upon.

Having now learnt this, you may look at me a little different. You may find me a tad unattractive. I won't blame you for going this direction. Nobody likes a misery guts and nor should they. But believe me, I do hate this part of myself. I try my best looking for ways past the jealousy and self-doubt. I try my best delivering what I can that both represents what I want to stand for and separates me enough from the crowd. I want to be associated with a friendly personality. One that you can interact with at any time. One that will not speak a word of discomfort or displeasure. One that sees your work and acknowledges it in respectable fashion. Most importantly, I want to ensure you're approaching the right man. That man being someone who will immediately welcome you with open arms and will reciprocate the love and affection you give. My work is for you to enjoy and treasure after all. I'd understand if you choose to give me the cold shoulder, but just remember I see pessimism the same way.

Then again, this dark secret of mine hides from your view and very rarely do I touch upon it. I guess it's because I do get my priorities right now and then. Something I can be proud of. I am an artist who wishes to display themselves in ways never seen before. I want to be unique through a little bit of everything. I love visual beauty. I love immense passion. I love the work of others and will go as far as twisting it to make it something brand new. I'm here to prove within my limits that imagination is limitless. When I do the things I do here, I'm always thinking of you. I'm wanting to impress and provide to you a variety of different content that supports all of mind, soul, body and spirit. And it is fair to say I have impressed a few. I have even went on to inspire one or two of them. Since that is all I'm ever wanting, I do pat myself on the back occasionally. I'm even proud with some of my efforts so far. Suppose it tells me the light forever remains at the end of the tunnel.

But as already confirmed by me here, my journey is not yet finished. I could argue that it hasn't even started. Like those I have influenced, I too have my influences. I've explored countless places throughout the internet, only to find several people who would unwittingly solidify some of my goals and leave me striving to meet them with success. Sure I have my doubts, but they don't need to know that. All that should matter to them is that I'm a great admirer of their journeys and will always throw my support towards them, regardless of its effect. If you're reading this, there is always a chance one of my influences could be you. If ever you come across a nice message from me, don't assume it isn't true. Don't assume it's me hating myself or seeking your approval. Instead, be flattered that I find you to be superior in some ways. Be flattered that you drive me to reach similar heights. You have achieved something quite powerful. Something I hope to achieve as well. It's a form of glory bound to make life so much easier for all.

Travis "TJ" James