Hurts Like Hell

For those of you that visit here regularly and read my work, you would already know that I was not particularly fond of my childhood years (The Room For Improvement). But here's something interesting regarding that information. You only know half of the reason why. That half being something I was always able to control. My behaviour and my awareness of everything around me. From most people's eyes what I've done wouldn't seem bad, but I myself am somebody that easily succumbs to self-punishment. I'm somebody who desires to become a better man from the good boy. It might in ways appear unhealthy for one to carry this sort of negative trait (or any for that matter), but I look at it as a gruelling yet necessary chase for greater reward. The short-term pain for long-term gain. But then again, many of my bad choices growing up haven’t worn me down as much as I thought they would have. Though I see them as unpleasant, I’m able to easily shake them off now. Perhaps my attempts to distance myself from who I was turned out to be extremely effective.

Now for the other half of the reason, which is exactly what this piece is all about. The reason most of you would probably deduce as being unmanageable and excruciatingly painful to overcome based on what you have read so far. Well it’s no surprise that you’d be correct. I honestly wouldn’t be discussing such torment if it didn’t affect me to this degree. It most certainly is painful. So agonizing in fact that I'm still now and again left traumatized by the events. It’s not pain of the physical sort, but rather that of the psychological. And it was something I could never control. Everyone else but me got to steer the ship and they had the choice of crashing it. But I’m not alone in this. Thousands of other people have come to encounter the same issue. The pain of having others stand in their way. When you are not your own worst enemy, others will be. And when others are, it can go as far as leaving us to become a casualty of one of the most unpleasant things to exist in this world. Bullying.

Bullying is simply anyone seeking amusement from another’s misfortune or suffering. It’s making fun out of one’s discomfort. It’s forcing someone’s hand into doing something they don’t wish to do. Bullying may sound like a comical word but the action itself is no laughing matter. It causes a huge amount of damage to not only victims but their families as well. It leads to depression, anxiety and has even pushed certain victims to commit suicide. Upsetting isn’t it? To think that young people with so much of their life ahead of them are pushed to the point where they choose to cut it short. That should tell you a lot about bullies. They are a type of criminal that constantly fly under the radar. They can go as far as indirectly being responsible for a victim’s demise.

Throughout my complete thirteen years of obligatory education, I was indeed a victim of bullying. I have been debarred from school yard games, ridiculed by classmates, punched by other students and had my belongings destroyed and thrown around. Even my closest friends with their wild behaviour have pushed me to the point where I would simply walk out on them. I wasn't the type of kid that others went after. Many just saw me as someone forgettable and worth belittling whenever I was around. Despite the lack of severity in all the harm I have received, I never took bullying very well and my emotions would often get the better of me. I constantly saw myself as someone with very few props and had nothing to truly stand beside me through my toughest moments. In other words, I was extremely thin-skinned and easy to abuse. As years went by, I led myself to believe that my open display of softness painted a larger target on my back.

It's approaching thirteen years since my first, last and only school camp. My memories of the camp activities are fairly indistinct, but the place itself and the layout pretty much remains engraved in my mind. From the rooms where the students ate to the outdoor amphitheatre where everyone gathered for the important notices. It's hard for me to forget, since it was my only camping experience with the school. As for why it was my only school camp, the reasons to this day remain crystal clear. I felt uncomfortable. Unprepared for such an event, not knowing whether I was capable with managing my belongings. And I am not afraid to admit that I was homesick around the time. Travelling a few hundred miles away from my home town to spend three days in unfamiliar territory didn't do so well with me as I would've liked. I just wasn't ready to overcome the homesickness and my time at the camp saw me constantly thinking about the desire to get back home.

But that wasn't the worse of it. To add to the misery I was allocated a cabin shared by five other kids, all of which I felt uneasy hanging around near. A couple of them were even students that thought little of me from the very first moment they saw me and judged me based on their preconceived thoughts. As soon as I discovered the cabin information, I knew I wasn't to expect a warm welcome. How right I was in the end? My roommates insulted me, mocked me, called me names and even went as far as threatening to beat me up. You're probably thinking I did something wrong to bring this about, but truth be told not once did I inflict harm of any sort. I was simply a weak and vulnerable target for intimidation. My biggest regret here was not requesting a room change when I had the chance prior to leaving. The idea did pop into my mind at the time, but for some unknown reason I never went ahead with it. As a result, this school camp was by far one of the most execrable experiences I've had so far in my life and it still haunts me now.

While most schools and workplaces share their own set of rules to deal with the issue of bullying, I continue to think they don’t do a satisfactory job. Usually it’s a case of not tackling it hard enough or going about it the wrong way. My own school adopted a policy to take on bullying that sounded very strong. But for some reason I felt that it was never persisted with. Teachers in my classes failed to observe tensions between students and never stepped in to ease any pain inflicted. On top of that, school yard security wasn’t exactly fantastic. And general information to teach kids and treat victims felt far from accurate. This has led me to believe the issue of bullying isn’t being taken very seriously. Bullying of course can’t ever be completely eradicated, because no problem can. However, it can be reduced through proper education and tougher security.

Ever heard such ideas like bullies ‘don’t go far in life’ or ‘don’t succeed in very much’. Is this really true? And if it were, would it make one feel significantly better about themselves? I can honestly tell you that I have faced these ideas and they didn’t work on me. They couldn’t help me see the light. They failed to strengthen my walls. I still remained a weak cry-baby low in self-confidence. The fact is that people who have a history of tormenting others, can still achieve great things. They are people like the rest of us. So what information is accurate? I like to think it depends on how we perceive bullies as individuals. My view on them was built during my high-school years with help from a friend (The Revival). Any case of bullying says more about the offender than it does about the victim. These offenders like to think they are smart and superior, but irony sets in when they can’t demonstrate it. They don’t realise the damage they cause. They fail to apprehend the uneasiness their sufferers experience. And they jump to conclusions without seeing the whole picture.

I'm not afraid to admit that I have at times during my childhood, bullied others. Though my methods of bullying weren't as extreme as what I've suffered myself, I still left victims in an inferior position or state. This is where you’d stop and think ‘gee, isn’t this guy a hypocrite, he’s preaching what he couldn’t practice sooner’. I couldn’t blame anyone for thinking that way, but if you aren’t a stranger to these parts you would have already learnt that it is still too early and there is not enough information to come to any conclusion (Beyond The Surface). Here is the interesting part you might find hard to believe when it came to me being a scourge to others, but it remains true. I didn't enjoy it at all. I got nothing out of it. I didn’t feel better about myself in any way, nor did I appear any different to those around me. In the end, it was basically a waste of my time.

I suppose my attempts at bullying others stemmed from my short-attention span. When most things seemed boring I’d look for any way to entertain myself, even if it was at another’s expense. This goes back to me forever condemning the idiotic child I once was. Then again, almost every single kid goes through the same stage. Another thing that even surprises me is that there were times when I knew enough was enough. When I finally saw the damage I was causing, I didn’t hesitate to quit. There have even been moments when I wanted to solve conflicts that never involved me. While I cannot deny following the general mass of students when it came to finding amusement in school yard brawls, a small part of me always wanted to intervene and make sure nobody got hurt. But I couldn’t for obvious reasons. I guess there maybe are some parts of who I used to be I can still tolerate.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Bullying is no laughing matter. All five known types (Physical, Verbal, Social, Psychological and Cyber) do significant damage to one’s mentality. I’ve heard the fear and angst from many victims themselves. I’ve seen mothers openly shed tears on television when discussing about the harm their children experience. I’ve even witnessed celebrities come around and speak up about how such a thing has affected them as a person. Given other important issues being dealt with, Bullying is often made to look negligible. But the truth is that it has still played a part in hurting lots of people. I suggest that we all carry a sense of 'empathy' and understand what truly takes place in the mind of a sufferer. No one should have to cop such ill-treatment from anybody.

Travis "TJ" James