The Room For Improvement

Ever have those moments where you make a choice of action, only to later look back on it thinking you could have dealt with it a little bit better. If this is common for you, then I can relate an awful lot as this pretty much sums up who I am as a person. Like everybody else, my past choices have led me to becoming who I am today. But they have also pushed me to work harder in making something better out of myself. It is widely known that the bad memories can outweigh the good ones. Judging from my experiences, I can say this is far from incorrect. A lot of what I recall doing over the last 15 or so years has either resulted in punishment or other unfriendly outcomes. It has even involved me lying and keeping secrets out of fear, forgetting that I was only making matters worse. Now I am left to deeply regret my foolish ways and look ahead in trying to disconnect myself as much as I possibly can from this young person. They say that one who lives with regret doesn’t appreciate anything about themselves, but I see regret as a tool to further find what I can appreciate about the man I currently am.

Judging on what you have read so far, you would be able to work out that I wasn’t so fond of my childhood. Most of what I’ve done as a kid still affects me to this very day. My slow reaction times. My disorganisation. My poor choice of words. My incapacity to sometimes adhere instructions. Even when I saw problems for what they exactly were, I went about solving them in unnecessary ways. But the one thing that keeps twisting the knife into me, was my inability to consider consequences before making my move. Everyone has done this in their lifetime, some more than others. Most learn to live with the mistakes they have made and accept them for what they were. However for people like me who are continually weighed down by such memories, seeing our ill-thought-out decisions as ‘water under the bridge’ becomes a bigger challenge and the urge to overcome obstacles intensifies.

I wasn’t an out and out bad boy nor was I an intentional rule breaker. In fact I was highly respected by most of my teachers and peers. I have been praised for my level of creativity, devotion to study and ongoing effort to seek perfection. I have accomplished many feats and have won many accolades over my many years of education. I won the story writing competition over the rest of my school in 2007. I was nominated by teachers and became a leader in my last two years of primary school. I was recognised with a high honour for mathematics in 2011 and in that same year was awarded a school scholarship. The following year I was one of the few nominated by my VET teacher for a VET award and shook hands with the mayor of my community. And most recently I topped the rest of my fellow graduates in the Art category. But I never really brag about any of this. If anything, I didn’t ever think so highly of myself. But that never stopped friends and fellow students seeing me as a formidable opponent in most areas of study.

So why the fuss you may ask? Why do I dwell on the smallest of past experiences that frustrate me so much? The fact is that I will forever see the child I used to be as someone ‘completely stupid’. His irrational behaviour which extended beyond that of school, was below standard and failed to match with his level of intellect. All that knowledge gained, yet unable to demonstrate it when required. He couldn’t grasp morality as well as he could have. His parents raised him brilliantly and he never succumbed to peer pressure, yet he still found ways to occasionally disappoint. It hurts to think this young boy was once me. While I was like most well-behaved students of my school, the higher standards I set for myself very late saw me feeling the need to abhor the low-grade deeds carried out by my once younger mind.

The kind of choices I made were ones that simply had me failing to place myself in the position of those who were affected by them. Some that I have made prioritised the little things over the big things. A few choices have even had unpleasant consequences telling me to change my ways. Of course they’re not criminal offences. As a matter of fact I knew where to draw the line, either hesitating or spurning actions I thought to be a little too extreme. The experiences that haunt me are primarily minor slip ups, stemming from my failure to listen and comprehend many of the things I had been taught along the way. At times, I was unable to treat others with care. I was unable to come up with more effective solutions to problems. I was unable to dive deeper into topics of discussion. I knew not when to seek fun with friends, open myself up and extend the boundaries for further amusement.

On top of all this, I was and probably still am to this day an extremely sentimental person. Probably to the point where I can be labelled as a sook or crybaby. When I was the victim of an unpleasant experience, my choice of reaction was almost inevitable. I looked at matters, feeling that I lacked the security and support from those who deeply cared for me. I often thought I had little control of myself and constantly worried whether wiser heads would understand the predicament I was in. Looking back, I often believe that I have painted my own reputation. That if other people ever came to remember their school years and pictured me in them, they’d see someone who was very weak, vulnerable and unprepared for the toughness life and reality could bring. I truly detest how soft and thin-skinned I used to be. So I strive to face tough situations with both a stronger mind and heart whilst searching both far and wide to find the pillars to lift me up whenever I’m down.

Do I still make bad choices? Of course I do. I’ve made many since I have finished school. This blog is actually one of them. Not so much making it, but it instead what it has been used for. When I first started It’s The Self That Matters back in 2015, I had a clear idea of what I wanted the blog to be about. I created it with a longing to connect with different people and help them gain a greater understanding of the beautiful things in life. Whether it was Art, Music, Sport, Television, Nature, Film, Literature, etc. anything I either felt strongly passionate about or believed to have shared fair knowledge of would be expanded on in a blog piece with a creative yet straightforward title. So where did I go wrong? Recently having reread a couple of my old works, I was left unimpressed with how I sounded. My tone came across more stern and self-centred, which went against everything both I and my blog stood for. I also felt a lack of care within what was written. My level of thought while improved from my school years, still fell short of what I saw as appropriate. I once again failed to see the consequences for my actions.

One of the few reasons why I decided to start fresh on this blog, was to prove I had something to give in a manner more fitting for myself. To know I can find the line between having plenty to talk about and knowing how to go about doing so. Waking up to the dawn of 2018 I sensed the need to not only continue what I loved most, but to evolve and show others that people can grow and learn from their mistakes. In general, I aim to remind anyone that it’s perfectly fine to feel ashamed for poor decisions. It’s okay in occasionally wanting to look at ourselves with enough dissatisfaction to still see the light. Having done so myself has seen me become a much better person and I am very proud of it. But I know it won’t stop me from making more errors. Like everyone else, I am always going to and that will forever be the case. It just becomes a matter of minimising the amount of bad moves by taking steps with more caution, and that’s what I am doing right now.

I not long ago came across a particular show that taught me a valuable piece of information. That the strong desire in wanting to turn back time and right our wrongs, was a sign of how different we are from who we once were. A sign of how much we have changed for the better. When I look back on the bad things I have done, the feeling of distress that follows becomes the monster with a reason to live. This monster reminds me that I have learnt my lessons. That it’s never too late to make up for my sins. That new beginnings do exist. I don’t ever think hope and redemption are out of reach. While I do believe that people should be judged more for ‘what they do’ rather than ‘who they are’, there is such thing as a second chance for those judged by their wrongdoings who strongly wish to turn their lives around. I do see myself as one of those people and at the same time believe anyone in my position should be given the opportunity to prove they can change for the better. These small blunders that I am responsible for are probably meant to remain small enough to forget. But given the person I desire to be moving forward, I try my absolute hardest each and every day to ensure they don’t define who I currently am.

Travis "TJ" James