The Challenge

You might be familiar with that idea of how teenagers and young adults wear themselves out by going beyond the limit in hopes of obtaining a good body image. Well when it comes to me, I'm sort of in a similar boat. The key word being 'similar'. I'm not making regular visits to the gym and overworking my muscles (though I do plan to hit the weights very shortly). I'm merely wanting to hang my hat on something more. When I look in the mirror right now, I see nothing great. Just a scrawny, slouching, talentless nobody forever envious of those around him. It does seem like I do lack a fair chunk of self-esteem and I can't argue with that. But in spite of my overwhelming shortage of gifts, I still stand knowing that there is always hope and I have to chase it out the front door. Hence why I began 'The Challenge' on the very last day of October. It's another genuine attempt to motivate myself and have me return to my former glory.

Former glory you ask? Well you may not know this, but I was quite athletically gifted back during my school years. Fellow classmates often admired my exceptional ability to keep up with the more popular students in the school yards. I vividly remember the day I was competing with my grade four and five classmates at some indoor high jump twelve years ago. Outlasted some of the sportier kids to have my name temporarily chanted and end up finishing second behind an older student. My endurance was above average level for most years and I had won a few small accolades for my efforts on the track. My beep test results were around the 10 to 12 mark, which was decent for a young man of my age at the time. And my final months of school saw me as a regular participant at basketball during the lunch break. Found myself to be more of a long-distance shooter given my lack of muscle, but a few friends were surprised with my efforts to intercept along with my ability to find the ring. Overall, I was seen as a bit of a dark horse in most physical activities. It was kind of uplifting.

So what changed? How did I go from a worthy sporting opponent in the school yard to an absolute wreck? I would be lying if I said that laziness and having no motivation didn't play a small role. But it would be irony coming to bite me. The place that got me moving, had me come to a stop. My final year of physical education was 2012. And my preferred areas of study leant more towards the Arts and Psychology, which had P.E. shelved. The workload placed onto me during my VCE years jumbled my brain and left me following an unhealthy routine (one which I still somewhat follow today). The anxiety and depression began to creep in and I gave myself no time to step out and maintain my fitness levels. I couldn't manage my time in any way. I wanted to study, but I didn't wish to approach it in the way school wanted me to. My body began deteriorating and I was eating less. I was in a miserable state, and neither of my parents nor could the school do anything about it.

These three or four years outside school had seen me become not much better. I was still battling anxiety and setting myself tasks without applying complete focus on them at the necessary times. It still happens now and then. I was telling myself I would snap out of it, but my actions were saying otherwise. I was making myself promises I couldn't keep. While this was happening, I applied for many jobs on the odd occasion only to be knocked back for every single one. Never even passing the first stage. That was until late last year when I had a job interview a little further down south from where I live. Walked in and spent time filling forms and putting myself forward, only to be rejected and told to look elsewhere. A few weeks came a job trial for upholstery, stuffing caravan cushions. Entered with confidence only to walk out as deflated as I ever have been. What was meant to be a day's work only lasted for 40 minutes. The urge to give up was staring me in the face, but I tried with all my might to continue searching for my place in the job industry.

Earlier this year, I was fighting the worst anxiety I ever experienced. One that I hid from my family and lasted for almost three months (with the worst of it hitting me right at the very end for a string of five days). I saw it having stemmed from both my brother (who too was suffering a similar illness around the same time) and the family moving house. It involved me raising some significant questions surrounding life and death, and the fear of being alone when I reached the end. As a result, I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating well. I was slowly killing myself off and I refused to take any medication. The trough was so incredibly deep that you'd think nobody could get out without the helping hand of another, but I somehow managed. The cure was facing the demon. Searching for answers online and reading the views of other people. Suddenly, I felt this huge weight off my back. I was able to lock away this demon and throw away the key. You might find it hard to believe that something so painful was dealt with so easily. Believe me, I also share that view. It was like a miracle sent from the Gods. But now, I'm just grateful that the worst has passed.

Slowly got back on my feet. Came across an ad in the paper for wanted film and TV extras and that is when things started looking up (My First Experience As An Extra). But after my first role, I knew more was expected from me. Joined the popular social media platforms and revealed my face to strangers with the hope that I would build some mental strength (Taking The Leap). Then came the sudden realisation of where I sat. Explored some of the things people recorded themselves having done and once again felt a rush of envy coming through. I saw people having recorded their amazing talents, their joyous activities, their explorations of the world and their money-making businesses. It made me feel ashamed of myself. I was still somewhat trapped in a bubble, going nowhere. No job. No money. No real friends. Never a girlfriend. It was like I was being told to curl up in a ball and cry in a corner. My wanting to give was and is taking some hits and the numbers were stacking up against me. So I had to make a change.

So how come it's taken so long for me to take action? Why am I starting now? I guess it was because of how rigorous and tough the ride was going to be. However, it wasn't so much putting in the effort that I worried about. It was fearing that I'd get no reward out of it. The fear that my efforts would go unrecognized. Not having the support from other people to see me climb to the top and achieve my desired goal. I didn't (and still don't) want to be alone on the journey to retrieving the parts of me that I once lost. I don't want to be alone when I aim to obtain something new. I can't tell you how much it's felt like I had no one to look towards. The only people that ever stood by me were the elders that treated me like everybody else. They couldn't see the individual in me. They couldn't see what I wanted. And my closest friends are rightly living their own lives, yet are making more progress than I am. I think we can all agree that I'm an average guy, but I feel like I much less than that. It might possibly be another reason why I like mystery and hiding myself in gear (A Name Without A Face). To hide my pain.

I thought I'd hurry and start what I simply call 'The Challenge'. Not a super exciting or inspiring name for my attempt at recovery, but it does represent how serious I am about my wish to be a better person. At the moment, it is mainly getting fit. Walking, jogging, running and moving my feet regularly. It will even involve kicking the footy, playing tennis and building up muscle with weights. And it may go beyond exercise at some point in the future. But first, I need to get out there and move as I'm lacking vitamin D and am getting cramped up by doing bugger all. And I want to do it anyway. I love the outdoors. The warm sun, the green grass, the chirping birds, etc. Nature is there to be embraced. So here I am embarking on a new mission that will not only allow me to do so, but will also help me improve on my health. An uphill battle, but one I believe a few will back me on. It may not be what some of my followers wish to see, but I reckon it will see me bring about what they desire more effectively. We all just need to be patient and see what 'The Challenge' brings for me. Wish me luck!

Travis "TJ" James