Very Superstitious

We're all separate individuals. Born and raised at different places and different times under different conditions. We control our own minds, makes our own decisions and are there to experience whatever happens in front of us. Most importantly, we stand by certain ideas based on how we believe they've impacted on us. We might claim to have seen the faint spiritual light or felt the cold contiguity of a spectre. We often suspect there to be other planets billions of light years away, sustainable for other life forms unknown to humankind. And then there is the idea of other planes or stages of existence. When it comes to myself, I don't usually go to extremes. I'm not the type of person that believes in the positioning of celestial bodies answering for one's set of behaviours. I'm not somebody at all devoted to Illuminati or any other form of conspiracies. I do however acknowledge the possibility of existing ideas or things in life that are beyond current human understanding. But that's a more complicated story and one I don't show much interest for. I'm simply here to share my individual characteristics, in particular one that is obvious when one reads the title. I believe in basic superstitions.

You've probably come across that idea of the small stormy cloud over one's head throughout many works over time, both on television or on paper. It's probably the most common representation of 'bad luck' going around these days. That's what I'm edging towards here. I like to think some of my biggest and easiest of experiences to remember were dictated by forces beyond my control and I like to think these forces have more often than not swayed the results against my favour. Sounds silly, but it was something I only began to pick up in recent years. Around the same time, I've sensed a few of the these undesirable consequences and irksome occurrences I've been involved with and found them looking too bad to be true. The first one or two had me thinking it was all just a painful coincidence. But when I perceived multiple of these happenings piling on top of each other, I had no choice but to raise the question of whether there was some sort of existing temporary curse. Of course, I too experience some good luck and have quite recently. But for some unknown reason, it's the bad luck I felt to have seen more of. So that's what I'm going to explore further here.

I've had countless times throughout my life so far that have left me questioning the existence of bad luck. A few of them I still remember quite vividly, in particular this one I'm about to explain from six years ago. I was in my tenth year of education, the year which the Government enforces a work experience program for teens stepping into the job industry. I had my plan for work experience in good state to begin with, and was showing great interest in working for a theatre company for five days. I placed the plan in front of my school's pathways officer, and asked if they could get in contact with the particular company I was looking at a month or two before the mid-year break. They happily obliged. What could possibly go wrong? Well for weeks, I was informed by the office that they were struggling to get in contact with the company and vice-versa, as their business got in the way. It would only be till the last day before the mid-year break, I was told I was unsuccessful getting in. Because the program was mandatory, I was left with my parents having to ring local retailers for a vacant position in the final minutes. We found a supermarket not far from my uncle's house further south, and quickly jumped on the opportunity. Come time, I was at the supermarket doing the same tasks over and over, not learning anything new. I was collecting trolleys in shitty weather while incompetent and disrespectful staff turned on me for even doing the right things. Not to forget I was paid the minimum dollar for my work. It became one of my most spiteful experiences, and one I wish to forget.

Here is another one of the more significant examples of misfortune for me, and it happened quite recently. I'm a dedicated supporter of the Carlton Football Club in the Australian Football League (AFL). Last year (a week or so after my 21st birthday party) I was given an authentic poster of the 2017 Carlton team as a present by my uncle, framed and protected by extremely fragile glass. From the moment I got it, I knew that it wouldn't be long for it to somehow in some way break and get damaged. Next thing you know, my dad knocks it over on the day we were moving houses and the glass shatters. The poster too had tiny chunks taken out of it. To add to the pain, my high level of carefulness still couldn't stop me from slicing one of my fingers whilst cleaning up the broken glass. What's even stranger about this, was how I found myself believing this would in some way have a negative affect on the club's performance throughout the 2018 season. So far, that too is coming true. Five weeks in and my team is not only still winless, but breaking all the wrong records. These series of events might all just be one big coincidence. Plus, I do regularly joke about my dad breaking the picture because he is a Collingwood supporter (though he really broke it by accident). However, I can't help but keep thinking there is more to this. The framed poster as of now still remains in my room, damaged and catching dust. And the promise made by my father to get the poster repaired, is still yet to be fulfilled.

There have been numerous small instances where I've found myself pulling out the shortest straw. Not many I specifically recall, but I do remember ending up as the unfortunate kid in them. I was someone at school usually afraid to take risks and break rules, as I often thought I'd be the one to get caught. But there were one or two times when peer pressure got the better of me, and it was no surprise to me that those moments didn't end sweetly. When fooling around with schoolmates, I rarely escaped the eye of approaching authority. But luckily the punishments weren't anything more than a warning. Other punishments included me being picked out of the crowd. I remember one time in my first year of high school when I was the only student kicked out of my class after everyone moaned about being handed certain work. And that's not the strangest thing to happen to me when it came to getting told off. I was even once pulled aside by a certain teacher, having no idea what they were punishing me for. How about that? Disciplined after doing nothing wrong. Surely that is a rare situation for any young person to be in. Unlucky times at school not associated with getting in trouble included me being allocated a cabin with my bullies (which I explain in greater detail in Hurts Like Hell). But then again, I had the chance to fix that and didn't. So I guess that's my fault. I also recall coming down sick during primary school and didn't attend the one day I won the whole story-writing competition (as briefly mentioned in The Room For Improvement). Hate having missed out on that glorious moment.

As for outside school hours, there's not much I can recollect. But there is one common theme that irritated me and I felt I had no control of it. I cannot count how many times I've either lost or misplaced valuable items. Despite my efforts in organisation and keeping an eye on my belongings when going out, there would always be a moment when I found myself unfocused. The pockets of my clothes had not been as friendly as thought they'd be. I've once lost a fifty dollar note and even a camera (which I found when I quickly ran back to where I visited). And there was even an entire day spent on finding my wallet which not only stressed me out, but my parents as well (wallet was found that night camouflaged with my desk chair in my bedroom). Based on what I know now, there isn't any super bad occurrence I can remember happening outside of school. But there was one that nearly came to be. More than ten years ago, I almost found myself the victim of a bashing by young drug-influenced men near my house. I was waiting for my parents to come home that night, when they ran into me in the one minute I was out the front. Can't remember exactly what it was but something I said saved me from further trouble that night. You could say it was a close shave. An extremely close shave. Sure my unlucky experiences aren't overly terrible, but everyone would agree that they're unpleasant. You just don't wish to suffer them at any time.

I've seen black cats. I've opened umbrellas indoors. I've even broken mirrors (three to be exact and by accident of course). But despite how much these tiny happenings often get associated with the idea of bad luck and misfortune, I still resist to blame them for my woes. So what is it I do point the finger towards when it comes to my misfortune? Strangely enough, I see it being the way I present myself to others. At no stage do I in any way, openly puff my chest out and act cocky about my chances at succeeding. At no stage do I pretend I can see or read the future and act like good things are going to come my way. And never do I disregard a valid point when I see one. There is one thing I do tend to believe affects me. That is if I act selfish or conceited, it will always come back to bite me. And when I'm wrong, the price becomes much heavier to pay. That's why I try hard in looking like I lack enough confidence to still stand on my own two feet and walk into every activity open-minded. I tend to believe the chances of the desired results are greater from thinking like this.

You probably could see a problem or two with this mentality I adopted. The most obvious one being that it can make me come off as rather pessimistic. That glass-half-empty type that's open to seeing the worst in any situation. I will admit that I do now and then look at the negatives and foolishly label them as facts. I may raise doubts over the positive outcomes others predict. People have pulled me aside for this and have admitted of their discomfort, but never do I intend to lead them to feeling that way. It's just to myself, my pessimistic view has more often than not become true. Many of the results from my past experiences have stepped towards the worst case scenario (and many yet to come will do so as well). The amount of these unfortunate happenings add up, further weighing me down and making it harder for me to see the light. It's important to know however, that I'm not entirely downbeat. Secretly in that mind of mine, I do acknowledge every possibility. I'm always wanting to be proven wrong. I'm hoping to myself that the best result of each and every situation comes to pass. And when things aren't going my way, 

I'm thinking of new effective strategies to help me fight the tough battles.

The thing about It's The Self That Matters, is that it's my attempt at creating a safe haven. A place where individuality is key. Where people can feel free to open a little more of themselves up and not be afraid of revealing something that they might see as being embarrassing. I can honestly tell you that I'm not at all completely comfortable with talking about this trait of mine. There in fact will be a lot of things I won't feel entirely comfortable discussing about here such as certain music, kids television, my love for colour, etc. But refusing to discuss this sort of stuff would stand against the intention of this blog. Here's another example of someone I know being up front. A friend of mine recently confirmed to me that they now and then get 'turned on' by my work in encasing myself with gear (A Name Without A Face). At first you may think they're strange (I didn't at all), but when you gain a proper understanding you grow to respect them for that. It all comes back to this blog. We are all different. So don't be afraid to get something out in the open here. I promise to not laugh or criticise, because I can assure you there are much stranger things going around the web nowadays.

Travis "TJ" James